Best jokes

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

A man walks into a shoe store... ...and tries on a pair of shoes.

- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.

- Well ... they feel a bit tight. - replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

- Try pulling the tongue out. - offers the clerk.

- Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. - He says.

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.

He jumped in with his bag and shouted:

- Let's go!

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said:

- Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.

- Why? - asked the pilot.

- Because I am a photographer - he responded.

- and photographers take photographs.

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered:

- You mean you're not the flight instructor?

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

The Devil started:

- Gentlemen, Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell.

The philosopher then stepped up:

- OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings.

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked:

- Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said:

- Bring me a chair!

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said:

- The third hole from the right.

- Wrong - said the idiot.

- It's from my asshole.

And the idiot went to Heaven.

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says:

- Reading my book.

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied:

- But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden:

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape.

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied:

- But I didn't even touch you.

To which the lady replied:

- Yes; but you have all the equipment!

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied:

- I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did.

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied:

- I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself:

- Damn income taxes!

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said:

- I've never seen you in her before.

The guy says:

- Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job.

The owner asks:

- What do you do?

The guy says:

- I write music and play the piano.

The owner, looking excited says:

- REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested.

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says:

- You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?

The guy says:

- I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out.

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says:

- My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers:

- I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore.

The owner again was shocked. The owner says:

- Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons.

The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says:

- Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?

The guy smiles and says:

- KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says:

- You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.