Best jokes

When is it OK for a lady to slap a midget?
→ When they are slow dancing and he tells her how nice her hair smells.

There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the boy said:

- please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i have money thats no problem - the man was like ok:

- if you have the money.

So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnad why he was so happy.

- its a long story - the boy said.

- tell me, i can wait - hte man said impaciently.

- ok - the boy says:

- i have aids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...she'll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her...he'll get aids, my dad will screw my mom...she'll get aids.

Then my mom will then screw the milk man.....and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!

Mommy, mommy: can I play with grandma?
→ Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last weeek!

Mommy, mommy: I hate daddy's guts.
→ Shut up kid and keep eating.

What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?
→ Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. Sam - he shouted:

- those animals are talking! If that sheep says anything about me, it's a damned lie!

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
→ Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested at the airport for drug smuggling?
→ It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack....

What sexual position makes an ugly baby?
→ Ask your mom!

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows:

- ONE BURGER!

The cook, who's even bigger, screams:

- BUR-GER!

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says:

- That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!

The counterman says:

- Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
→ They taste funny.