Best jokes

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote:

- How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote:

- I'm drowning, you moron!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said:

- I'll be 16 tomorrow.

- I know - said the butcher with a smile - I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said:

- Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me?

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked the time, miss.

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked:

- I will call the police if you say another word!

Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.

- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:

- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

- No problem! I'll write you a check!

- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged:

- How dare you show your face in here?!

- There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!

- I just had to come by - grinned the guy - to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains:

- I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says:

- OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question:

- What's the distance from the earth to the moon?

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer:

- What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks:

- Well, so what's the answer?

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

- Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

- Indian: Dog no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

- Dog: Doin alright.

- Indian: [extreme look of shock]

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

- Dog: Yep

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

- Indian: [look of disbelief]

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

- Indian: Horse no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

- Horse: Cool.

- Indian: [extremer look of shock]

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

- Horse: Yep

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

- Indian: [total look of amazement]

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

- Indian: Sheep Lie!!

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking.

- What are you looking at - she said.

- I'm looking at the moon - he said.

- Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it - she said.

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

- Woman: Two Achoo! tickets, please.

- Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before?

- Woman: cough No.

- Clerk: Then I need your address.

- Woman: Okay. It's 260..AHEM Sorry.. Laryngitis...

- Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.