With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.
- Who turned on the fucking lights? - a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character.
- These are the breakfast lights, sir - she answered with forced sweetness.
- The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab:
- They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
- And what's so funny?!? - the New Yorker demands.
- Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said:
- That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
- Do you always carry such heavy luggage? - she sighed.
- No more - the man said.
- Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
→ They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
→ With a fishing pole!
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says:
- Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.
She says:
- Why all the clocks in the window?
And he says:
- And what should I have in my window?
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.
- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
- RS: Ow July den?
- G: What??
- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?
- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.
- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?
- G: Crisp will be fine
- RS: Hokay. An San tos?
- G: What?
- RS: San tos. July San tos?
- G: I don't think so
- RS: No? Judo one toes??
- G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.
- RS: Toes! toes!.. Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?
- G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
- RS: We bother?
- G: No..just put the bother on the side.
- RS: Wad?
- G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.
- RS: Copy?
- G: Sorry?
- RS: Copy...tea...mill?
- G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
- RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??
- G: Whatever you say.
- RS: Tendjewberrymud
- G: You're welcome
Have a good day
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.
- How awful ! - exclaimed the wife.
- Si, but what a great way to spend eternity - added the husband.
One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says:
- Hey Paco, you shit your pants?
Paco says:
- No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants.
He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says:
- Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?
Paco says:
- Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants.
He says:
- Ok.
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says:
- Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?
Paco replies:
- I thought you meant today!
