Best jokes

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked:

- Give it to me straight. How long have I got?

The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said:

- Call for my lawyer.

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied:

- Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way.

- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

- Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00.

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

- Alright - the lawyer says looking through his papers.

- You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

- What! That sounds like a car payment schedule - retorted the client.

- Your right. It's mine.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

- Here lies an honest man and a lawyer - responded the lawyer.

- Sorry, but I can't do that - replied the stonecutter. In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'.

- But that won't let people know who it is! - protested the lawyer.

- Sure it will - retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, 'That's impossible!'

- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

- Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

- Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

- Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

- Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

- Doctor, - says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

- Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?

- I don't see why not, - replies the doctor.

- That's funny, - says the man.

- I wasn't able to play it before.