Best jokes

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But officer - the man began.

- I can explain.

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer.

- I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

- I'm the groom.

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said:

- It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

- Donations! - I said.

- How much you got so far?

He said:

- about ten gallons.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court - said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no no! - said the man.

- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says:

- Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says:

- Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.

- Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.

- I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.

- Well, then we need a urine sample.

- I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.

- Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

- I can't do that, officer.

- Why not?

- Because I'm too drunk to do that!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden:

- Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

- Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said:

- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said:

- Why? Don't ye believe me?!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

- Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said:

- Let's get off the corner people.

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again:

- Let's get off that corner... NOW!

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:

- Well, how did I do?

- Pretty good - chuckled the vet.

- especially since this is a bus stop.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says:

- It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says:

- My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says:

- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.

The woman answered:

- Well, I have contacts.

The policeman replied:

- I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!