A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
- I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?
- I should let you know first that I am a policeman.
- That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said:
- I hear sirens. Jump!
The second one said:
- But we're on the 13th floor!
The first one screamed back:
- This is no time to be superstitious.
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
- Have you any last requests? - asked the chaplain.
- Yes - replied the murderer.
- Will you hold my hand?
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me."
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered:
- It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded:
- I've always wanted to do that.
A tourist asks a man in uniform:
- Are you a policeman?
- No, I am an undercover detective.
- So why are you in uniform?
- Today is my day off.
- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.
- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?
To which the farmer replied:
- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
Prison life versus a full-time job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
