Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.
- Right at the end of - Billy Bob replied.
- Could you spell that for me please? - the operator asked.
After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said:
- How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
- Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over - said Jim-Bob.
The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said:
- Nope, dat ain't Bubba.
Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body.
- Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over - said Billy-Joe.
The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said:
- Dat ain't Bubba.
- How can you tell? - asked the mortician.
- Cause Bubba had two assholes - replied Billy-Joe.
- Two assholes? That's impossible! - said the mortician.
- Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'
What's the best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?
→ Get in the truck!
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said:
- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.
The husband was thinking to himself:
- Oh no, what has he done now?
- Well, bro, what did you name them? - and asked with some trepidation.
Whereupon, his brother replied:
- I named the little girl Denise.
The husband, relieved, said:
- That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?
The brother winked and replied:
- Denephew.
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other:
- Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
The other replies:
- Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.
So that night he did and God replied:
- You are what you are.
The next day he said to the other zebra:
- I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are.
The second zebra responds:
- You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.
- The car won't start - said a wife to her husband.
- I think there's water in the carburettor.
- How do you know? - said the husband scornfully.
- You don't even know what the carburettor is.
- I'm telling you - repeated the wife.
- I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.
- We'll see - mocked the husband.
- Let me check it out. Where's the car?
- In the swimming pool.
What did the digital clock say to his mother?
→ Look ma no hands!
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says:
- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.
The second cannibal asks:
- What kind of missionary do you use?
The other replied:
- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.
- Ah ha! - he replies.
- No wonder.. those are friars!
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity while also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts ..
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where else can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help..
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
