A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
- What are you doing? - his mother asked.
- The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken - the Boy explained, so I'm looking for the seal!
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.
What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
→ Bamboo.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
→ Boo boos.
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
→ Because of his coffin.
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
→ They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
→ Because everyone was a goblin!
How did the ghost patch his sheet?
→ With a pumpkin patch.
What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
→ His other fang.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:
- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies:
- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers:
- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
- You're running around with other women - she charged.
- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.
- You're the only woman on earth!
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.
- Counting your ribs - said Eve!
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:
- Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
- Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow stepped on her.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
→ Frosted Flakes!
What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "I wonder if it's mine?"
How do you confuse a blonde?
→ Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.
Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
→ She couldn't learn the route.
Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
→ Her turn signal was stuck.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
→ She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Why are the Japanese so smart?
→ No blondes.
Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
- I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! - the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied:
- Bring him in. We'll check it out.
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - 'put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.
The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.
He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.
They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native:
- Tree.
The native repeats:
- Tree.
They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says:
- Bush.
The native repeats the word:
- Bush.
They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.
The native asks:
- What is that? What are they doing?
And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies:
- Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!
Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.
The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks:
- Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!
The native answers:
- Him riding MY bicycle!
