Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.
- What should we do? - said Ed.
- Hmmm, let's think. - replied Fred.
Ed shook his head:
- No, let's do something you can do too!
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, erased it and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
- The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...:
- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
- I used to come here all the time with my ex.
- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
- And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
- I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
- It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
- I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
- I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
- You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?
- Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?
- There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
- At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
- A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
- Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
- Is it hot in here or is it just you?
- If I follow you home, will you keep me?
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?
- I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
- Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
- I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
- But you're so cute when you blush!
- All those curves, and me with no brakes.
- I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
- Please be patient--this is my first time.
- May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
- Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
- Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.
- A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
- A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
- I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.
- If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
- I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
- Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?
- Be good and you'll be lonely.
- The best things in life are ME!
- I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
- I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.
- I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.
- Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.
- I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!
- Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
- I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!
- BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said:
- You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
- What did he say? - asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered:
- He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'
- One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.
- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.
- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.
- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.
- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.
- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.
- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.
- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
- Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.
- Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much.
- When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour.
- All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.
- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.
- They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.
- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.
- Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime.
- Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree.
- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.
- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.
- Sensitivity don't hurt.
- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.
- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.
- Shake your hips and hope for the best.
- Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there.
- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.
- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.
- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.
- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food.
- Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.
- See if the man has lipstick on his face.
- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire.
- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.
- Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.
- I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.
- You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.
- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
- It might help to watch soap operas all day.
- When they're rich.
- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.
- If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission.
- I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it.
- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.
- Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love.
- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.
- Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch.
Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.
He's totally enamoured with the golf ball because he's never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.
While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who's perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can't figure it out. So he asks our man:
- What the hell is all this?!
To which he replies:
- Oh they're just golf balls.
So the customs officer goes:
- Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked:
- Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?
- Sure, it's easy. - replied the neurosurgeon.
- All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him:
- I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.
The patient replied:
- Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?
