Best jokes

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:

- I wish you had a flashlight.

He says:

- Why's that?

She says:

- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

- Well - she said.

- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies:

- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother:

- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?

The mother replies:

- Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father then says:

- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister:

- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?

The sister replies:

- Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father answers:

- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says:

- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.

So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:

- your dick tastes like shit!

The guy says:

- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.

He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

- Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. - says the little boy.

- Sonny, I think you're a little young for that. - replies the madam.

The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.

- One lady coming up. - says the madam.

- And I want her to have herpes - says the little boy.

- Why on earth would you want that? - asked the madam, and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean.

The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.

- One dirty girl, coming up - she says.

The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says:

- Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?

The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says:

- It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!

What does HMO stand for?
→ This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
→ No. Only those you need.

I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
→ Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

What are pre-existing conditions?
→ This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
→ Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
→ You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
→ Poke yourself in the eye.

I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
→ You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
→ Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
→ You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
→ Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
→ Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Will health care be any different in the next century?
→ No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek...

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
11. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
12. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
13. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
14. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
15. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
16. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
17. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
18. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

How to communicate with a fish?
→ Drop him a line!

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.

Bill replied:

- Well, what's the difference between the two?

St. Peter:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Bill:

- Fine, but where should I go first?

St. Peter:

- I'll leave that up to you.

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.