Best jokes

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced:

- It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother:

- Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy. - she said

The mother took a deep breath and began:

- When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing...

- I know how to fuck, mother - the bride-to-be interrupted.

- I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!

- I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.

- Why? Because she married a con?

- No. Because they eloped!

Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
→ Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
→ At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
→ Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

What is a wedding tragedy?
→ To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!

He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:

- Judith?

- Yes, this is Judith.

- Will you marry me?

- Of course. Who's speaking?

Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?

They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.

Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:

- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

- 100 facecloths

- 25 darning needles

- any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse

- bag of potting mix

- box of legal size hanging file folders

- bucket of sand

- cat door

- cellophane tape and staples

- dairy for 1991

- exquisitely wrapped house-brick

- framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")

- globe

- hat rack

- his and hers dishwashing liquid.

- map of West Brazil

- mixer (for the non-cooking couple)

- mobile

- modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)

- nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper

- one shoe

- receipt book

- salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)

- silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)

- spice rack

- step ladder

- towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.

- towrope

- triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)