Best jokes

Nowadays there's little meaning
For a person to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name
He may be a chiropractor
Or a painless tooth extractor
He's entitled to the title just the same.

Or perhaps he is a preacher
Or a lecturer or teacher,
Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip;
He may keep a home for rummies,
Or massage fat people's tummies,
Or specialize in ailments of the hip.

Everybody is a "doctor,"
From the backwoods herb concocter
To the man who takes bunions from your toes;
From the frowning dietician
To the snappy electrician
Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes.

So there's very little meaning
For a sufferer to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name.
He may pound you, he may starve you,
He may cut your hair or carve you,
You have got to call him Doctor all the same!

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

- Doctor - she said.

- I have a very bad gas problem.

- A gas problem? - replied the doctor.

- Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

- Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

- Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!

- Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?

- Well - said the doctor.

- I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!

A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.

- Here's your baby, maam - says the doctor.

The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.

Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers:

- My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!

The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says:

- April Fools!!! He was already dead!

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said:

- Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

- Och! - said the doctor.

- Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by... I think there's yet another wee bairn to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

- Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides! - cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:

- Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
→ Mentally deficient.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?
→ He signs "his" name under "cause of death!"

A man went to his doctor and said:

- I want to be castrated.

- What? - said the doctor.

- surely you don't want that.

- Yes - said the man.

- that's what I want; I insist.

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

- Oh, I was circumsized - the man said.

- Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends:

- My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'

The second Catholic woman chirps:

- My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'

The third Catholic mother says:

- My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle:

- Well?

So she replies:

- My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said:

- Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated.

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

- All right, I guess I'll have the operation - he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him:

- I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said:

- Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.

- That's right - exclaimed the man.

- How'd you know?

- Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up - replied the salesman.

- Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.

- Right again - the man said.

The proprietor suggested:

- And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36.

- There's your first mistake - the man said.

- I've worn 34's for years.

- No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one - said the owner.

The man replied:

- I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34.

The owner replied:

- Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says:

- How about a quickie for twenty bucks?

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says:

- You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.

In reply, the nurse says:

- If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!