Best jokes

How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
→ Insert Bill here.

There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.

The American said to the Irishman:

- I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off.

So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof.

- There. Now you try. - he said to the Irishman.

So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.

The New Zealander said to the American:

- Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!

What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
→ The more you bang 'em the looser they get.

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:

- When it all boils done to the essence of truth - the philosopher said, one must live by a dog's rule of life:

- If you can't eat it or fuck it...

PISS ON IT!

What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls?
→ Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.

The boss of a large company says to his protege:

- I'm transferring you to the northern office.

The protege says:

- But that place is full of whores and football players!

The boss replies:

- My wife used to live there!

The protege quickly responds:

- Really?? What position does she play?

How many seconds are in a year?
→ There are 12 seconds in a year. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

If the prefix "con" is the opposite of the prefix "pro", then is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Owls.

- Owls who?

- That's right! Owls hoo!

Two Nuts Where Walking Down The Street. One Was A Salted!