Best jokes

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around?

The man answered:

- HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

- 17... Wine coolers

- 25... White wine

- 35... Red wine

- 48... Dom Perignon

- 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

- 17... Need to wash my hair

- 25... Need to wash and condition my hair

- 35... Need to color my hair

- 48... Need to have Francois color my hair

- 66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

- 17... shopping

- 25... shopping

- 35... shopping

- 48... shopping

- 66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

- 17... shopping

- 25... shopping

- 35... shopping

- 48... shopping

- 66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

- 17... "Burger King"

- 25... "Free meal"

- 35... "A diamond"

- 48... "A bigger diamond"

- 66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

- 17... tall, dark and handsome

- 25... tall, dark and handsome with money

- 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

- 48... a man with hair

- 66... a man

HOUSE PET

- 17... Muffy the cat

- 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

- 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

- 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat

- 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

- 17... 17

- 25... 25

- 35... 35

- 48... 48

- 66... 66

IDEAL DATE

- 17... He offers to pay

- 25... He pays

- 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning

- 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

- 66... He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

- 17... Beer

- 25... Beer

- 35... Scotch

- 48... Double scotch

- 66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

- 17... My parents are away for the weekend.

- 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

- 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.

- 48... My wife is away for the weekend.

- 66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

- 17... Sex

- 25... Sex

- 35... Sex

- 48... Sex

- 66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG

- 17... Pot

- 25... Cocaine

- 35... Really good cocaine

- 48... Power

- 66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

- 17... Cop a feel

- 25... Breakfast

- 35... She didn't set back my therapy

- 48... I didn't bump into her kids.

- 66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY

- 17... Third base

- 25... Airplane sex

- 35... Menage a trois

- 48... Taking her company public

- 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

- 17... Roaches (to be burned later)

- 25... Old college roommate

- 35... Irish setter

- 48... Children from her first marriage

- 66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

- 17... 25

- 25... 35

- 35... 48

- 48... 66

- 66... 17

IDEAL DATE

- 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- 25... Split the check before we go back to my place

- 35... Just come over

- 48... Just come over and cook

- 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some:

- A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

- Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.

- Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

A blond and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking handsome man gets on. So then the brunette turns to the blond and says:

- Wow, he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off.

- I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders! - said the brunette.

All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused look and said:

- Ok, but how do you give shoulders?

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a torch in her ear!

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:

- Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.

The Jewish lady said:

- But your sign says that you have vacancies.

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:

- You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:

- I'll have you know, I converted to your religion.

The desk clerk said:

- Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

- How was Jesus born?

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

- He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.

- Very good - replied the hotel clerk.

- Tell me more.

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

- He was born in a manger.

- That's right - said the hotel clerk.

- And why was he born in a manger?

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:

- Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

- Well - he said

- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says:

- You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says:

- You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said

- you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

- Correct - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes - she said.

- You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
→ I knew some day my prints would come!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said:

- I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked:

- So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied:

- I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.