Best jokes

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said:

- If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?

The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:

- Stand up, nuts!

Everyone stood up.

- Sit down, nuts!

Everyone sat down.

- Look behind you, nuts!

Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out:

- Peanuts!

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man:

- So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

- Yes, Doc, - the old man slowly responded.

- My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise.

- You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

- Well, - the old man said.

- I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said:

- I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive.

- Doc, - the old man said.

- You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here, pointing to his head, to here, pointing to between his legs.

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says:

- Pull over,

and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says:

- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?

The police officer says:

- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.

The man replies:

- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home.

- Bet you can't guess how old I am - he says.

- Bet I can - she says.

- Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am - he says.

- You're on - she says.

- Stand up.

He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now turn around - she says.

She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants - she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . .

- you're 86 - she says.

He's dumbounded.

- By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?

She rocks and smiles.

- You told me yesterday!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror.

- What are we going to do? - asks the drunk passenger.

- Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.

They pull over and the cop gets out.

- May I see your license and your registration? - he asks.

The guy gives him his license.

- Have you been drinking?

- No officer. We haven't.

- Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink? - the officer asked.

- I swear officer. I haven't had a sip.

- Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?

The man answers:

- These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
→ Because it said "concentrate!"

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.

One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo started complaining. He said:

- I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.

The 70 year old then said:

- I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said:

- I don't have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

- My only problem is that...

- I don't wake up until noon!

If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
→ European.