Best jokes

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

- Hey Willis!! - the farmer yelled.

- Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.

- That's mighty nice of you - Willis answered - but I don't think Pa would like me to.

- Aw, come on - the farmer insisted.

- Well okay - the boy finally agreed, and added:

- but Pa won't like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host:

- I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

- Don't be foolish! - the neighbor said with a smile.

- By the way, where is he?

- Under the wagon!

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?
→ 100 people that don't do dick!!

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies:

- They're making cakes.

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer:

- They're making cakes.

The next morning the little girl says to her mother:

- Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.

The Mother replies:

- How do you know?

The girl says:

- I licked the icing off the sofa!

A wife asks her husband:

- Honey, if I died, would you remarry?

- After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.

- If I died and you remarried - the wife asks - would she live in this house?

- We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house - the wife asks - would she sleep in our bed?

- Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?

- Oh, no - the husband replies - She's left-handed.

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner:

- I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do.

Resigned, the man signed and said:

- Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?

- Three-hundred fifty dollars - the doctor replied.

- Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead! - the man stammered.

- Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.

What were Jesus' last words at the last supper?
→ "Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table"

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says:

- Hey, Dave, how ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

- Oh no, - says Dave.

- He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says:

- You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.

- No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

- Hi Davey, - she says.

- Want your usual table dance?

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says:

- Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.!

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

Why are there no phone books in China?
→ Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said:

- I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again. Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says:

- I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed.

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says:

- there, now you're screwed!