Best jokes

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

- Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through? - asked the first man. The other man shook his head.

- I'm going to go ask them if we can play through, - said the first man, emphatically.

- Enough is enough.

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

- Oh God, - he said to his friend.

- This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.

The other man shrugged, and said:

- No sweat.

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said:

- Small world!

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

How does a blonde part their hair?
→ (Action of scissoring legs apart)

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
→ An IN-body experience!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
→ It swells at night.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just dyed her hair.
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

Why is a blonde like a turtle?
→ When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks:

- Where did you get that?

→ The pig says:

- I won her in a raffle!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
→ She liked kids...

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes like lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
→ They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's writing on the white-out.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
→ She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
→ There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
→ He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
→ She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
→ "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
→ By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

What did the blonde think of the new computer?
→ She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Why don't blondes make Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
→ All you can eat, under a buck.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
→ Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
→ "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
→ They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
→ Lipstick.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
→ Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
→ Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
→ They chip their teeth.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why do blondes wear panties?
→ They make good ankle warmers.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

What do blondes do for foreplay?
→ Remove their underwear.

What's the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm sooo drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
→ "All the blondes have gone home!"

What's a brunette's mating call?
→ Has that blonde gone yet?

What's the mating call of the redhead?
→ "Next!"

Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
→ Because they can spell it.

What is 74 to a blonde?
→ 69 plus G.S.T.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
→ Toes go in first.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
→ Tits go in front.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
→ "Have another beer."

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces themself.
→ Walks home.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilised.

How does a blonde like her eggs?
→ Unfertilised.

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver's license?
→ The instructor gave her an "F" in sex.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
→ More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
→ It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An Air Bag.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
→ Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
→ Bucket seats.

What do Blondes say after sex?
→ Thanks Guys.
→ Are you boys all in the same band/team?
→ Do you guys all play for the Rams?

What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
→ Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ 'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
→ Who cares?

Why do blonds have orgasms?
→ So they know when to stop having sex!

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
→ She drops her nail-file!!!
→ Who cares?
→ She say 'Next'
→ The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
→ He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
→ The batteries have run out.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
→ They can't remember the number.
→ She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
→ "Thanks for the refill!"

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
→ Data transfer.

Why do blondes have more fun?
→ Because they don't know any better.
→ They are easier to keep amused.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "What's a lightbulb?"
→ One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
→ Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

What's a blonde's favourite wine?
→ "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
→ A whine cellar.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
→ She moved.

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
→ They both have a black box.
→ Both have a cockpit.

What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
→ Not everyone has been in a 747

What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
→ Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
→ Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Which is the odd one out - a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?
→ The TV because all the others leak when they're fucked!

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
→ In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
→ The President after Bush.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
→ "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
→ All pants half off.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
→ They both blew the big one several times.

What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
→ The Executive Branch.

What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
→ They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

How do blondes get pregnant?
→ And you thought blondes were dumb.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
→ The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
→ Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why do Blondes take the pill?
→ So they know what day of the week it is.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
→ Because it kept falling out.

But why do brunettes take the pill?
→ Wishful Thinking.

Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
→ Because her boyfriend was also blond!

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
→ The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
→ Her IQ goes up!

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
→ A blonde parade.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
→ You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
→ Butter is difficult to spread.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
→ You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
→ There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
→ They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been spotted.

What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
→ It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.