Best jokes

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out:

- I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.

Both men ran away.

- First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday?

- Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.

- First boy: What's a witch do?

- Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks:

- Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

- That's an excellent essay for someone your age - said the English teacher.

- How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?

- Welcome to school, Simon - said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.

- How old are you?

- I'm not old - said Simon.

- I'm nearly new.

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.

- How old are you, ma'am? - asked Fred.

- I'm not going to tell you that - she replied.

- But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.

- Oh well - said Miss Jones.

- I'm the same age as both of them.

The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.

- Now remember, boys and girls - said the science teacher.

- you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.

Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.

- I'm not eating that, Mum! - she said.

- It's five years old.

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Fred: Well, you can have mine.

- How old is your wife?

- Approaching forty.

- From which direction?

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

- That's right - said the old man.

- Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.

- Well, sir - said the interviewer.

- I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said:

- I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked:

- Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned:

- Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
→ To prove he wasn't chicken.

What is a crowbar?
→ A place where crows go to get a drink!

Why do hens lay eggs?
→ If they dropped them, they'd break