Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters?
→ QT (cutey).

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one. "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?"

"My wife," said the other with a heavy sigh!

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
11. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
12. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
13. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
14. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
15. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
16. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
17. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
18. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye." (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.
19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"
20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).
27. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.
32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.
33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don't need to talk)
36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.
39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.
47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).
68. Because they're not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hear them?
74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.