Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
→ "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!"

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says...

"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

Some lessons learned in life:

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
• People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
• You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
• No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Very Short Books...

1. Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2. Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3. Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4. Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5. Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6. Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7. Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8. Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9. Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10. GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11. GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12. Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13. Human Rights organizations in Libya
14. Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15. Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16. Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17. Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18. Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19. Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20. Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21. Famous Hillbilly Physics
22. Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23. Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24. Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25. Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
26. How to start you own part time Hospital from home
27. Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28. E-mail address directory for the homeless
29. All Night Libyan Moshe pits
30. List of Fine Wines from Iran

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.

- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

- Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

- Woman: Excuse me God?

- God: Yes

- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

POOF Man was created.

Things you'll never hear a man say:

• Here honey, you use the remote.
• You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
• Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
• While I'm up, can I get you anything?
• Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
• Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
• Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
• Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
• We never talk anymore.

- Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week.

- Mrs Baggy: Tried to?

- Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
→ Wear perfume that smells like beer.