Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Barbie Brain in a Jar ...an empty jar

What do you call Italian women in a sauna?
→ Gorillas In The Mist!

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
→ "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
→ "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
→ "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
→ "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
→ "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
→ Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned."

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
→ They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
→ Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
→ Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
→ So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
→ Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
→ A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
→ A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Headgear Barbie ...guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better!

What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?--A wine & cheese party!

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.