Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Eye Patch Barbie ...with a choice of eye patch colors: purple, hot pink, or aqua!

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Chernobyl Barbie ...glows in the dark

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Trailer Trash Barbie ...complete with double wide trailer home

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God.. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey.. our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully... our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Joker Barbie ...

Barbie with Joker grin and white face