Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"

What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
→ The road to success!

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms." The third nurse fainted.

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.

"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

• The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
• The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
• The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
• The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
• The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
• The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
• The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Should I have a baby after 35?
→ No, 35 children is enough.

A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant, "Do you have pigs ears?"

The counter assistant replies, "No, its just the way my hair is parted!"

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."