Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Let the bitch do it by herself. or None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"

- They say Margaret is a raving beauty.

- You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tree Hugger Barbie ...pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric

How can you tell if someone who's just had a perm is on the phone?
→ You get a frizzy signal!

The husband returns home one day and tells his wife, "Hi honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD."

"Why did you do that?! We don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife..

"So what... have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"

They are:

• Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
• Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
• Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
• Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
• Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
• Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
• Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.
• Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
• Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
• Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."