Random joke from this category
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
- Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color?
- Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road.
As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Moron!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
→ It matches their mustaches.
- First witch: My beauty is timeless.
- Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
→ We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving
Three words to ruin a man's ego...
→ "Is it in?"
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
→ If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
→ Nothing.
What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
→ They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
→ Hair balls.
How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
→ Come in five flavors
What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
→ Crust
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
→ If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
→ A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
→ By sticking your finger in his honey
What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
→ I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it
What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
→ A blow job with handle bars
What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
→ A mobile sperm bank.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
→ All you can eat for under a buck.
What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
→ A cherry float.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
→ Beat IT -we're closed.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight seal.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
→ Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the difference between sin and shame?
→ It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
→ She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
→ He heard the snow blower coming.
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
→ She's withholding evidence
What's the difference between light and hard?
→ You can sleep with a light on.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
→ Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
→ Their balls are just for decoration.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
→ A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ He wiped his arse on a leaf.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
→ When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
→ A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
→ His wife died.
How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.
How do you recycle toilet paper?
→ Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full up.
What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your mums apple pie
What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
→ Mobile phones are for arseholes.
How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?
→ Put a nipple on it.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.
The answer. A cockrobin.
The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.
What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?
→ Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
→ You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
→ Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.
What is the difference between women and computers?
→ Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.
What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?
→ Hanson.
What has 4 legs and 8 arms?
→ A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.
Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
→ Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
→ One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.
What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as a choir boy.
Why do tampons have strings?
→ So you can floss after eating.
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?
→ Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.
Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
→ They both dig dead peoples holes.
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?
→ One is a hunt on the course...........
What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
→ If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.
What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?
→ A blood vessel.
Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?
→ Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
→ A seagull flits along the shore.
What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?
→ A pimp.
What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
→ Michael Jackson's hand.
What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"
→ A blind person with a Rubix cube.
What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?
→ A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.
What should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and apologise.
Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
→ He cant go into a cubicle alone.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
→ The sex is the same but you get the remote.
What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
→ odour eaters.
How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?
→ Its not hard.
What should you do if your bird starts smoking?
→ Slow down, and try using Vaseline.
How do you make a dog drink?
→ Put it in the blender.
Why did god put men on earth?
→ Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
→ A pick pocket snatches watches.
What's white and clings to the wall?
→ George Michael's latest release.
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
→ You cant gargle with sand.
