Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. What sign were you born under? No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

• You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?
• Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?
• There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
• At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
• A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
• Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
• Is it hot in here or is it just you?
• If I follow you home, will you keep me?
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
• If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?
• I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
• Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
• I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
• But you're so cute when you blush!
• All those curves, and me with no brakes.
• I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
• Please be patient--this is my first time.
• May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
• Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
• Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.
• A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
• A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
• I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.
• If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
• I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
• Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?
• Be good and you'll be lonely.
• The best things in life are ME!
• I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
• I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.
• I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.
• Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.
• I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!
• Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
• I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!
• BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie.
'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.'

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
• EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
• IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
• NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
• FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
• SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

- Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you?

- Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...

The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.