Travel Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?
→ The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.

"What's that" says the Texan.

"Oh! That's Queens Park" says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big".

"Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large" says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

"Holy cow" says the Texan "What's that"?

"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country" says the Cabby "it took almost 4 years to build".

"Really" says the Texan "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time".

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300'.

"Holy Crap!" says the Texan. "What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!"

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says - "Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday"!

- Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir?

- Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber?
→ The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California
• With gun in lap: L.A.
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
• One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
• Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
• One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
→ The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

- My sister's a really bad driver.

- What makes you say that?

- Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.

What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?
→ Oh good! A chew chew train!

What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?
→ I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!

When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row