Travel Jokes — most viewed jokes

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?
→ Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

What do you call an ant from overseas?
→ Impartant

What birds are found in Portugal?
→ Portu-geese!

Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of no-frills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.

Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked, 'what did you think of the scenery?'
'Oh, I couldn't see much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these mountains in the way.'

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

What does a witch get if she's a poor traveler?
→ Broom sick.

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you attracted to?"

"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in harmony with nature."

"I see," said the man, nodding.

"But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect."

"Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."