Travel Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town?

- Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.

There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."
The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet."

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.

"I don't know," said the genie, "that is really difficult. Do you have another request?"

"Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!"

The genie replied: "Will that be two lanes or four?"

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort?
→ The Baaahaaamaaas!

How can you tell elephants love to travel?
→ They are always packing their trunk!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."
Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."