Situations — most viewed jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. - Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

- Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid.

- Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.

- Waiter, this food is repeating on me.

- Good, we love repeat business.

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said:

- No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said:

- I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said:

- Where is your sister?

They replied:

- We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6"' - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!

- Waiter, what is this stuff?

- That's bean salad sir.

- I know what it's been, but what is it now?

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says:

- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:

- By the way, what did the chicken do?

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

- Oh, about $200 today - said the rancher:

- But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer:

- Here - he said:

- is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.

Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"

- I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed.

- Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all.

- Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage.

I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I?
→ A bed