Situations — most viewed jokes

- These are the best eggs we've had for years.

- Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long.

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
→ It's butt!

Y. O. D. A
(To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.
I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.
I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.
I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah.
He is COMIN', master Yoda not far.
I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot.
It is MINE OR I'LL HELP YOU NOT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don't just stand in the rain!

You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me?
I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see!
Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave!
Betcha HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends?
To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
WIMP OUT THEN YOU'RE A JERK
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!

You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade).

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
21. I can see the gun of Navarone.
22. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
23. You've got Windows on your laptop.
24. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
25. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
26. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
27. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
28. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
29. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
30. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
31. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
32. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
33. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
34. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
35. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
36. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
37. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
38. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
39. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

There is a Shreveport cable TV channel that broadcasts the (live) video of the Shreveport radar and the audio of the NOAA weather radio station. When explaining why he knew he should go into meteorology, he said that when he was young, he would sometimes watch the channel even when there were no echoes, just for fun.

It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!

At this, the big guy drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

- Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!

- Not now! I'm eating.

- Oh come on! It's really important.

- No way.

- Please. It's urgent.

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

- Well, rabbit, what did you want to tell me?

- Hey, Teddy, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

You know you're too stressed if...

- You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

- The Sun is too loud.

- Trees begin to chase you.

- You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

- You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

- You can hear mimes.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

- Things become "Very Clear."

- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

- The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

- You and Reality file for divorce.

- You can skip without a rope.

- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You can travel without moving.

- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

- Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.