Situations — most viewed jokes

- How did you find the weather on your vacation?

- I just went outside and there it was!

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

- Where's Henry? - one of his campmates asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

- There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared - the weather report said.

- You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.

Ole said:

- Jeez, okay,

and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast was:

- There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.

Again Ole replied:

- Jeez, okay,

and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said:

- There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...

and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena:

- Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?

Lena replied:

- Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied:

- I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.

So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said:

- That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said:

- That'll be fifty dollars.

- Fifty dollars?!?! - the woman exclaimed.

- You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!

- Yes, I did - said the owner.

- But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.

Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day?
→ A wet one.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

- I have just the thing - says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

- Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech:

- And what if I swallow it?

- No problem - says the barber.

- Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about; if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...

Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."