Situations — most viewed jokes

I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all, both Florida and Louisiana have oil.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

Why did the vampire attack the clown?
→ He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

- Why don't you have doggie bags?

- That would be cruelty to animals.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars.

- But, there is a possibility! - he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said:

- You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary.

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like.

After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

- Who is it!? - shrieked the myna bird.

- It's the butcher! - said the man.

- Who is it!? - repeated the bird.

- Lady, it's the butcher! ... Who is it!?

- Lady, it's the butcher!

- Who is it!? (now exasperated beyond limit)

- Lady! I said it's the GXxxXaXxed butcher!

- Who is it!?

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door.

The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says:

- Oh my god! Who is it?!

...and the myna bird promptly says:

- It's the butcher!!!

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

- Hey Willis!! - the farmer yelled.

- Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.

- That's mighty nice of you - Willis answered - but I don't think Pa would like me to.

- Aw, come on - the farmer insisted.

- Well okay - the boy finally agreed, and added:

- but Pa won't like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host:

- I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

- Don't be foolish! - the neighbor said with a smile.

- By the way, where is he?

- Under the wagon!

Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in New England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the "pouring rain." Well, atleast the dew point is coming down!

A city boy was on his first camping trip.
He was eating his lunch under a tree when an old-timer came along.

- It smells like rain - he said to the boy.

The city boy replied:

- They said it was lemonade.

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.