Situations — most viewed jokes

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

• Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
• WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
• When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,' do it again. Continue until they go away.
• Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
• Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
• cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
• Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

What to say to a telemarketer!

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

- Me: Hello

- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

- Me: May I ask who is calling?

- AT&T: This is AT&T.

- Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

- Me: Hello?

- AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: May I ask who is calling please?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: The phone company?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

- AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

- Me: I already have a phone.

- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

- Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

- AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

- Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

- Me: 7 days a week?

- AT&T: That's right.

- Me: 365 days a year?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!

- AT&T: We think so!

- Me: That's quite a sum of money!

- AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a cash advance?

- AT&T: Excuse me?

- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

- AT&T: What are you talking about?

- Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

- Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

- AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

- Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

- AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?

- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

- AT&T: What?

- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

- AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

- Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yeth?

- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

- Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

- Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

- Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

- AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

- AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............
Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:

All signs metric
Next 20 miles

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

How many letters are there in the alphabet?
→ Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

You're so poor that when I went to your house I stepped on a match and your mom said, "Oh! who turned off the fireplace"!!!

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.

One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.

All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."