Situations — most viewed jokes

Visual joke: Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders.

Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stops at the 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT!

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "no".

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.

What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th.
What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
→ I forget.
You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son, the one living with you?
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
→ Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
→ Did you actually pass the bar exam?

The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
→ Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.
How many were boys?
→ None.
Were there any girls?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
→ Oral.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.
Did you check for breathing?
→ No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
→ No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
→ Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Phone Company Gives Something for Nothing

Dear Ann,
I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!

When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.

This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.

Linda K. R. in California

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. "A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, "'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

• Beating around the bush: 75
• Jumping to conclusions: 100
• Climbing the walls: 150
• Swallowing your pride: 50
• Passing the buck: 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight): 50-300
• Dragging your heels: 100
• Pushing your luck: 250
• Making mountains out of molehills: 500
• Hitting the nail on the head: 50
• Wading through paperwork: 300
• Bending over backwards: 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon: 200
• Balancing the books: 25
• Running around in circles: 350
• Eating crow: 225
• Tooting your own horn: 25
• Climbing the ladder of success: 750
• Pulling out the stops: 75
• Adding fuel to the fire: 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end: 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms: 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth: 300
• Starting the ball rolling: 90
• Going over the edge: 25
• Picking up the pieces after: 350

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."