Situations — most viewed jokes

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Recently seen on a card...

Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...

Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
11. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
12. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
13. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
14. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
15. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
16. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
17. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
18. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
19. Three words: eat the check.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.

When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets? What do you mean NO TICKETS?"

The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off looking confused.

A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather."

So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in."

The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather up your ass?" She said, "Excuse me, what did you say?" He says, "Can you believe this fucking weather?"

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

- Ever have an accident?

- Nope, nary a one.

- None? You've never had any accidents.

- Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.

- Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?

- Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"