Random joke from this category
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
A guy walks in to the Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time"
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things."
"True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on.
The the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
- Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula?
- Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Which ghost ate too much porridge?
→ Ghouldilocks.
Does this bus stop at the river?
→ If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.
