Situations — most viewed jokes

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

• Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
• Signs are required to be written in English.
• You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
• All citizens must own a rake.
• Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
• One man may not be on another man's back.
• Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
• It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.
• Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
• It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy".
• Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.
• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
• No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.
• Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.
• It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

- Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars!

- Girl monster: Have I really?

- Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly!

- First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face.

- Second Witch: It's because he's a hoptimist.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed!"

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."

• The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
• The Amish Phone Directory
• Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
• George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
• French Hospitality
• Everything Women Know About Men
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
• Different Ways To Spell Bob
• Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
• America's Most Popular Lawyers
• Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
• The Wild Years-By Al Gore
• Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
• Human Rights Advances In China
• To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
• The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
• My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
• How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr

• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
• Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. (SEC. 10-1.2)

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now?
After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you."