Situations — most viewed jokes

- Tell me - said the hiker to the local farmer - will this pathway take me to the main road?

- No, sir - replied the farmer - you'll have to go by yourself!

Did you hear about the idiot who had a new bath put in?
The plumber said:

- Would you like a plug for it?

The idiot replied:

- Oh, I didn't know it was electric.

Had a door-to-door salesman call one time selling of all things -- burial plots. I told him that we already had our plots in another cemetery.

He seemed uncertain as to what to say next, but he recovered to say politely:

- I hope you'll be very happy there.

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

- Whoa, Sam! - said the bartender.

- Who gave those beauties to you?

- Nobody gave them to me - said Sam.

- I had to fight like crazy for both of them.

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window.

- Do you want a screwdriver? - she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged:

- Might as well, - he said, I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her:

- What are you up to?

Alice smiled:

- I'm going hunting with you!

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her:

- If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming:

- Get away from my deer!

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell:

- Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said:

- Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said:

- What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

The other bum says:

- Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.

Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said:

- I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true.

Friend number one got excited. He said:

- I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women.

Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

Friend number two smiled and said:

- I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together.

Just like that, he disappeared.

The genie asked the remaining man:

- And what do you wish for?

He answered:

- Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide...

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June - he said, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough - he replied.

- Then in July - the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month - continued, the friend, nothing!

- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

- Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

- Lord save me from your followers.

- God must love stupid people. He made so many.

- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.