Situations — most viewed jokes

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:

- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper - the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:

- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

- Let me tell you a story - replied the Priest.

A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:

- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:

- Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested:

- What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!

- Simple - replied the Priest...

- It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks:

- When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

FrankenBarbie ...comes with bolts through her neck

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said:

- Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!

The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.

Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy:

- I must have some water right away to wash this mess off.

The boy said:

- Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!

Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is:

- If the foo shits, wear it.

Here's a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST...see if you can do it!

DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

- I will have to go home and come back later.

The woman says:

- Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says:

- That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me - and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says:

- You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said:

- I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses.

She quickly answered:

- George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.

- Is this where Frank lives? - one of the drunks asked.

- Yes, it is - the woman replied.

- Well then - said the drunk, Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?

Do buses and trains run on time?
→ Usually, yes.

No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.