Situations — most viewed jokes

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants.

- One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

- Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

- All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

- Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

- Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

- State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

- Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

- A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

- It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

- Drinks on the house are illegal.

- It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

- A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b))

- Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

- Liquor stores may not sell milk.

- Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

- Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

- You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

- Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

- No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

- Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

- You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

- "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.

- You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

- It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

- If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

- Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

- A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

- The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

- It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

- It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

- It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

- While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

- You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".

- Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

- It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

- No one may spit on the sidewalk.

Two blind man at a cinema:

- Can you see something?

- No.

- Then let's go in front!

- I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday.

- Why don't you?

- Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

- ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

- ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

- ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

- ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

- ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

- ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

- ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

- ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

- ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

- ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

- ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

- ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

- ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

- ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

- ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

- ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

You know you're out of college when...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Mike:

- Vat sims to be ze problem?

Mike says:

- I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore.

- Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'

The old man says:

- Mmm-Hm!

and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice:

- Ve haf vays of making you tock!

This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.

- Did it win?

- No, it came seventh.

- Were any famous men born on your birthday?

- No, only little babies.