Situations — most viewed jokes

- Non stick Cellotape

- Solar Powered Flash Light

- A black highlighter pen

- Glow in the dark sunglasses

- Inflatable Anchor

- Smooth Sandpaper

- Waterproof sponge

- Waterproof Teabags

- AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

- Fireproof Matches

- Fireproof Cigarettes

- Battery powered Battery Charger

- Seatbelts for Motorbikes

- Hand powered Chainsaw

- Inflatable Dartboard

- Silent Alarm Clock

- A Pedal powered wheelchair

- Braille Drivers Manual

- Double sided playing cards

- Ejector seats for Helicopters

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:

- Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!

The co-pilot looked out the windshield.

- Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?

- Well we better, we're almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

- HEW! That was CLOSE! That runway was SHORT! - yelled the captain.

- Yeah! and WIDE too! - said the co-pilot.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in an office:

- We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:

- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Sign on music teachers' door:

- Out Chopin.

Sign at the electic company:

- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Sign in beauty shop window:

- Dye now!

Sign on a garbage truck:

- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Sign at a computer store:

- Out for a quick byte.

Sign on restaurant window:

- Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.

Sign in a bowling alley:

- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Easter Island Barbie ...the famous statue with blonde hair

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out. The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing." The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."

Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs. The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the warden replied, "Oh, he blew the delivery."

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

- Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy? - she asked the salesclerk.

- It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam - the shop assistant replied....

- Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

- No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

- I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

- How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

- No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

- Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

- No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

- Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.

- I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.

- I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

- Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime... does anyone care?