Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters."
So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need."
So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked.
"Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio.

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.

During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"

The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Why did the condom fly across the room??
→ It got pissed off!!!

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex lately?"

The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"

The dentist says, "No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!"

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."

How does a blonde have safe sex?
→ She locks the car door.

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
14. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
15. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
16. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
17. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the morning after.
19. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.