Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around. ."48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated."46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."45. "Alright already, _I_came."44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."35. "Bring in the Gimp."34. "Hold that pose."33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."31. Sing "Shake your bootie."30. "A little to the left."29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"28. "Is there room for two in there?"27. "Two words: penis extension."26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6. 9. 22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes. 21. "Maybe it would help if you. ."20. "That's what you call erect?"19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard. ."18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."14. "May I cut in?"13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."7. "Let's make a sandwich."6. "Is that hard enough for you?"5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"4. "I think you dropped something."3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes. "Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, Guys!"
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"
→ Do you guys all play for the same team?
→ Who were all those guys?

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

Which condom would you use....

• Nike Condoms: Just do it.
• Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
• Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
• Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
• Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
• Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
• Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
• Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
• Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
• Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
• Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
• New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
• California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
• Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
• KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
• Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
• Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
• Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
• The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
• General Electric: We bring good things to life!
• AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
• Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
• Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
• Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
• M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
• Chevron: use them? people do.
• Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
• MCI: for friends and family
• Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
• The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
• Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
• United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
• The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
• Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
• Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
• Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
• Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
• McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
• Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
• Burger King: Have it your way
• Dairy Queen: We treat you right
• AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Why do blondes have orgasms?
→ So they know when to stop having sex!

Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father, "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?" To which the father replies, "They are making a puppy!"

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father, "Daddy what are you and mommy doing?" To which the father replies, "Johnny we are making you a little sister." Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds, "Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!"