Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did clinton follow the chicken across the road?
→ because, he couldn't get his dick out of its ass.

I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours?"

I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.

The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?" The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes," says the priest.

So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,

but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You!"

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens".

So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten??" And the docter replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens".

So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens."

The next morning a little boy walks up and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

Why is sex like money in the bank?
→ Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment. She only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex.

They went at it hot and heavy all night long, then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now."

She looked at him and said, "You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says "My wife is much better." "Allright" goes the other guy, "Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, "You are right man, Your wife is much better."