Science — most viewed jokes

Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.

Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.

An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects.

The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion".

The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those".

• 40: Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35: Italian cars don't start.
• 32: Water freezes.
• 30: You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.
• 25: Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
• 20: Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.
• 15: N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
• 12: You plan a vacation to Mexico.
• 10: Too cold to snow
• 5: You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 3: You plan a vacation in Houston.
• 0: Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.
• -5: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
• -10: Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
• -15: Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -20: You plan a 2-week hot bath.
• -25: The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.
• -30: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
• Below -30: The kids call home from college.

End of the world...

The Equation

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,
Work = Power * Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

• A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
• Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
• An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
• Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
• Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
• Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
• Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
• The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
• It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
• We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
• Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
• Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
• Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
• See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
• All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
• Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
• Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
• Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
• Years of development. (One finally worked)
• Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
• No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
• Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
• Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
• We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
• I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization... Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
→ We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at the equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"

I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, think about it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handles by now?