Science — most viewed jokes

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
→ When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.

As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."

"The parts of speech are lungs and air."

"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."

"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."

"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."

"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."

"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator."

"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."

"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."

"One of the main causes of dust is janitors."

"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities."

"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."

"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."

"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings."

"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."

"In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon."

"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."

"In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"One by-product of raising cattle is calves."

"Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."

What did the blonde say to the physicist?
→ "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. "OK guys, the tree is 14' 6."
He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other, "How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said: "YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.... just an asshole!

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a &^^%@)&!".

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."

The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

"Well!" retorted the police chief.

He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...

"Making an obscene clone fall..."

- Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit!

- Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.