Science — most viewed jokes

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.

Contact is made:

- Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.

- Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?

- Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.

- That's right. Over and out.

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

- Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.

- OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?

- Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.

- That's right, Pig 2. Over and out.

An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

- Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?

- Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.

- Kiki, do you remember your instructions?

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine

1. Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2. Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3. After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.

Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?
→ Because it does not need to be cleaned!

You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow

• Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
• When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
• You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
• You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
• Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
• You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
• You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
• You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON.
• You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems.
• You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
• You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky.
• You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time."
• You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
• You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
• Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric.
• You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
• You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
• When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology.
• You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics").
• You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).

You get 75% or more of these jokes.

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

Here's a pretty nasty one:

Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?
→ The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business.

The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."