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Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

• The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait... I still do!)
• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)
• Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
• King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)
• Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey...he needed the extra pricks.)
• The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle... I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"

Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!"

Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, 'Watch out for worms won't you!'
The first one replied, 'why should I? They can watch out for themselves.'

- Teacher: Fred, give me a sentence starting with "I."

- Fred: I is . . .

- Teacher: No, Fred. You must always say "I am."

- Fred: Oh, right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

- Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again.

- Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late.

- Teacher: Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard.
"Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared.
"Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder.
"It's the bell I can't work yet."

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: "Name them."

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"